


...How Do I Not Love You?

by EthelPhantom



Series: Ethel's Constagami/DamiGami December 2020 [3]
Category: Constantine (TV), DCU, Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Because there are both!, F/M, Feelings, Healthy Relationships, Multiverse, Quite literally because there are v many different universes here, This ship is either the cutest thing ever or the most unhealthy trainwreck, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, there's no in between.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:55:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27864169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EthelPhantom/pseuds/EthelPhantom
Summary: Constagami December 2020, Day 3: "Unconditional love is a terrifying thing."Universe after another, the two meet one another, and universe after another, there is bound to be love between them. They are what one may call soulmates, even.It is a pity the love isn't always shared.
Relationships: John Constantine/Kagami Tsurugi
Series: Ethel's Constagami/DamiGami December 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2035531
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	...How Do I Not Love You?

**Author's Note:**

> I guess this is sorta introduction to my soulmates verse for these idiots. The next one is going to come later, hopefully. 
> 
> Enjoy!

There are few universes where two souls don’t meet one another.

There are a couple of universes where the two souls do not fall in love with each other.

There are _many_ universes where things do not end well for them.

This universe is no exception to that rule of cruel destiny. 

Love is scary, everyone is aware of that, and if someone isn't, they either have never loved or they will soon learn it. Whomever one gives their heart to has such control over them, holds such power with all the love they are given, and it is scary to know it would be easy to destroy that person — it is scary to know that loving someone could have you destroyed. 

Unconditional love is even worse. Unconditional love is the most terrifying thing to exist, more so than absolute hatred and more so than total loneliness and more so than the horrors hiding in the night.

In a universe after another, one soul carries unconditional love for another. Which one of them it is depends on the lineage of the world, or perhaps on a simple chance, but it is the law for one of them to love the other unconditionally, and it happens quite seldom that both are the one loving the other unconditionally. In most of them, that lone one also suffers.

In one universe, it is the woman that swears her unconditional love to the man. In that universe, she finds herself crumbled on the floor, scorching tears flowing down her cheeks as she chokes on her own blood. In that universe, she loses her life for the man she loved with everything she had, and still, she loves him, not expecting a thing in return. 

Not even his love.

In a second universe, it’s once more the woman swearing an oath to love the man forevermore, in each version of reality, in every life she finds herself in. In that universe, the man takes her hands and gives her a smile as he recites his own oaths in front of all who know them. In that universe, they don’t forget how fragile the other’s heart is. In that universe, they survive happily to the end of their life.

In a third universe, it is the man that holds unconditional love for the woman. Perhaps she loves him, too, but unconditional her love is not. That much is clear no matter what anyone tries to say, because she doesn't love him without limits, despite and with all of his flaws, as sad as it is. There is no way around that.

This is that universe.

In this universe, John Constantine is in love with Kagami Tsurugi, and in this universe, he would do anything for her. If it made her happy, he would do it in a heartbeat. It doesn’t go unnoticed by her, and it doesn’t go unused. 

In this universe, she has his heart in her hands and his love at her mercy, and she doesn’t mean to destroy either one of them. She does it anyway. Her choices are the ones at fault.  _ She  _ is the one at fault.

In the end, perhaps they are but two children searching for the love they never got from the parents that were supposed to protect them.

In every universe, a child is born unwanted. In every universe, she is named Kagami. 

In every universe, someone ends up wanting her later. In every universe, whether it be because he is her parent, a family friend, godfather or just a passer-by, Bruce Wayne finds her sooner or later, and in every universe, he gives her a warm hug while she wants to cry against his shoulder, and helps her find her feet again because if he pulls her up to her feet, she'll fall right back down again eventually. Because he only ever helps her find her feet again, she manages to stay up.

In every universe, a child is born wanted. In every universe, he is named John. 

In every universe, his mother dies at birth. In every universe, his father ends up hating him, abusing him, hurting him. In every universe, his father blames him for the death of his mother and calls him a murderer, and in every universe, he has to find his feet on his own.

Not in every universe does he find them again.

...And, in every second universe, these children die approximately at the same time, too many of those happening when they truly are nothing but children. In every third universe, they watch one another die, and in every third universe, their deaths are painful and something one would not wish even on their worst enemy. In every fifth universe, one of them is the reason the other dies, and in all the universes they know one another and outlive the other, they blame themselves for the other’s death.

It doesn’t matter if they are enemies, or if they hate one another in that universe.

They still blame themselves. 

It is a law of their existence, it seems.

In every universe, they die inside regardless.

In every universe, they have to learn the pain of death and guilt over and over again, and in every universe, the world decides to teach them in the worst yet the most effective way possible.  _ In every universe, they are both terrified of death, _ and in every universe, their worst nightmare is to be the reason a loved one of theirs meets their end.

So, in this universe, John loves Kagami and would do just about anything for her. In this universe, Kagami does care about him and for him, and she does love him, but… In this universe, she is not good for him. 

In this universe, she uses the love he holds for her only for her own gain, and in this universe, he doesn’t deserve her — doesn’t deserve her because he deserves better. In this universe, she doesn’t deserve him because of the way she treats him, because she cannot see how her actions hurt him, and because no one ever tells her to stop. 

It is still her fault because it isn’t his job to tell her she’s hurting him. 

It isn’t his job to tell her she’s killing him inside.

She makes him cry. He makes her scream. She makes him hurt. He makes her self-isolate. She destroys him. He breaks her. 

In this universe, they are not meant for one another, and in this universe, she is the worse one out of them. In another one, it is John that takes Kagami’s heart and soul and love and crushes them into pieces before leaving. In this one, it is her that does it. 

In this universe, there are tears and lies and gaslighting involved in their relationship. In this universe, there is guilt and loss of control and silence. In this universe, they both keep putting walls up. 

In this universe, Kagami makes John hurt. He still loves her.

Unconditional love is not ‘if’ or ‘because’. That is the terrible, scary part. It is the part that hurts the most, the part that comforts the most, and the part that can be used far too easily against the one loving the other. It is far too easy to remind the other that they don’t love ‘because’ or ‘if’. 

Instead, unconditional love is ‘anyway’ and ‘even though’ and ‘in spite of’. That is the beautiful, doomed part. It is the part that is the safest, yet the most dangerous, and that part cannot be taken back quite so easily. If you say you love someone ‘because’ or ‘if’, it is easy to take it back. 

If you say you love someone ‘anyway’ and ‘even though’ and ‘in spite of’, it’s far more difficult to say otherwise later. After all, you love them ‘in spite of’ their flaws and ‘anyway’ and ‘even though’ they keep hurting you.

And John, John loves Kagami ‘anyway’ and ‘even though’ and ‘in spite of’ — and she knows this.

She also uses this. 

In one universe, they shelter one another’s hearts from pain and survive on. In another, they break one another’s hearts because they were too careless. In a third one, they try their best to shield one another but their hearts break anyway.

In one universe, they break one another’s hearts because they don’t know how not to do it. In that universe, they take a look at the fragile hearts each of them possess and smash them into pieces by letting them fall and then stepping on them. 

In that universe, they never recover from the destruction.

In one universe, she gives him her heart and hopes for the best. She can’t afford anything else. She doesn’t know how to give him anything else. He doesn’t take care of her heart. He takes it and leaves it somewhere, and eventually, she finds herself holding the weathered, shattered pieces of her heart while she cries. 

In this universe, she is the one to break his heart. 

In this universe, she is given his heart and in return, she gives him a piece of hers. Not all of it. Only a piece. 

Her heart is broken, too. She is too scared to give him all of it in fear of it shattering even more. He gives her his entire heart regardless. 

She uses his heart to try and repair hers.

She never succeeds. Her heart is just as broken as it was before. 

She still keeps trying.

Her deeds cause both of them to fall into ruins even further than ever before.

And she breaks his heart, breaks it into a million pieces, and all he does is spread them out to love her more instead. 

They don’t know how to stop.  _ She  _ doesn’t know how to stop.

They are killing one another, have been doing so for years and years and lives and universes, and often they can see what they’re doing, but they never stop. They look at the one they love and say they do not want to do that anymore, that they do not want to be the reason the other keeps dying inside, that they do not want to be a murderer, but despite all of their words, they keep being just that, and oftentimes one of them is the worse one. 

She is certainly not the better one here.

She cannot even give him a better life here.

So, she isn’t good for him, not in this universe. Perhaps in another one things will be better, perhaps if in one universe they literally run into each other on the busy streets of London when he’s trying to catch a demonic entity, things will be better for them. Perhaps if they keep running into one another everywhere after that and eventually she watches him get shot in an illegal club, things will be better for them. Perhaps in that universe, they will end up on a food festival in Germany and perhaps in that universe, they will spend a night watching the stars.

Perhaps things will be better even if in one life they despise each other with so much bitterness in their hearts, and only learn to love one another through a Game they both play out of spite. They only learn to love one another because they pretend to do so in an attempt to win the Game and make the other fall in love before leaving them alone, hurting, falling from a cliff.

Perhaps things will be better if in one life they become best friends online and spite each other whenever they meet in real life for they cannot recognise one another outside messages.

But not in this one.

In this one, they love each other but they cannot love each other in the right ways.

In this one, they will both be hurting more than not.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed, please do tell me what you thought of the thing!
> 
> Oh, and do join the (newly created) [Constagami server](https://discord.gg/k3MrJUFjjS) on Discord!


End file.
